Where I Critique My Own Writing/Venting

Folks, I started out wanting to write about our activities this past week, but it turns out I just let my (pregnant) emotions take the lead. You can choose to read the following, but it might A) Change your opinion of me, B) Reinforce what you already know about me, or C) Make you think I'm a crazy lunatic... see options A or B. With that said, enter at your own risk. And if you make it near the end, you'll see the critiquing I speak of in the title. Here goes...

Another week came and went. I spent most of that time on the computer grading papers. I love, love, love being a mom. There is no greater pleasure on earth than being a mom (my blog, my opinions. Agree or disagree.) I also enjoy working outside the home ( a couple of days a week would be the most I could do now). But I tell ya--being a Work-At-Home mom is sometimes not the best of both worlds like I had imagined.

I, probably like many of you, thought that working from home while raising a growing brood of young girls would be awesome. No daycare to worry about. I'm bringing in extra income. I still get the opportunity to raise my kids. Seriously, can it get better than this?

Then, when I actually started working from home, all of the positives morphed into not so positives.

My job consists of me sitting at a computer, answering emails that can get awfully complicated, and grading/providing feedback on papers (the majority of which are pretty poorly written). I receive anywhere between 50 and 60 papers by midnight on Monday and their grades/feedback are due on Thursday by midnight. Sometimes these papers are 3-5 pages; the class I just finished had 8 page papers. Needless to say, about one or two afternoons of daycare per week would do me a lot of good. As it stands now, the weeks (which is four weeks in a row) where I have grading we pretty much stay home all day Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I grade as many papers as I can in between cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, answering phone calls, and retrieving drinks for the babes. I grade at nap time. I grade after kids are in bed. And I often climb into my own bed two to three hours after my husband. Can I just say how I really feel (well, I can because this is my blog, so just deal with my grumpiness)?

I HATE IT!!!!

My children turn into TV zombies (which I hate and is against my beliefs). I turn into a crazy stressed out mess. My house turns into a scene from Twister. And my sleep turns into something I can only catch glimpses of (let's not even mention the lack of exercise, okay). By Friday, I am checking to see which students hate me and think I'm the most unfair teacher ever while trying not to yawn. I then take my children out for some special fun time because I fell like I abandoned them all week long. However, this usually consists of me running to the store because I wasn't able to do that all week.

It is just a Hot Mess! That, my friends, is why I believe the girls need a few good hours in somebody else's care if I am going to keep this gig up!


For me, the extra income comes at a hefty price. I'm starting to question if it's worth the sacrifices I'm making. While I do feel like the University pays a mostly fair price, I don't feel that it's fair (considering my family and lifestyle) for me. I'm not saying they should offer me more because I'm a mom--no, no, no! What I'm saying is that I don't think there is a fair price they could offer me to keep me from doting on my children all day. After all, I chose to stay home with my kiddos for a reason. Actually there were a number of reasons, but I digress...

I didn't want my children in somebody else's care 40+ hours a week while they are not in school (I admit that a few hours a week would actually be pretty beneficial for us all). I love my family and I want to put all I have into them. I feel that staying home is the best way I could make this happen (please understand that I am not speaking for anybody else here. This is just how I felt I could make things work for my family). And let's face it; if you plan to have 5 children (which really we didn't, but anyway...), you pretty much need to plan on having one parent at home or some magical free daycare. Since I haven't found magical free daycare and my husband was making more than I was at the time we had started having kids, I opted to stay home.

Wow, I'm kind of off topic (wow, am I actually providing feedback on my own writing???), but I think you get the picture. And really, I'm not writing to make anybody get the picture. I'm writing for me, more or less.

I need to vent. Get this off my chest (fragment, please write in complete sentences). Let my crazy out, if only just a little bit! And for some reason, if I get this all out in the open I think I'll see it more clearly. I feel torn between the decision to quit or to keep bringing in the income.

In all honesty, raising five children is not cheap! However, I feel if I continue doing what I'm doing, I will completely miss these years that I wanted so badly to be a BIG part of. While my babies are busy learning from Sesame Street (because I'm stuck at a computer), I will have brought it a few extra bucks. And for what? A few extra toys, clothes, or meals out? I mean, let's face it, no teacher's salary is ever going to bring my family totally out of debt or pay for all my kiddos' college. And (It's actually okay to start a sentence with 'And.') because I have these few extra dollars, I will have missed out on so many opportunities to be their mommy.

Again, I'm off topic. I somehow started out saying that a few hours of daycare per week would be a glorious thing to have, and now I'm concluding (please avoid using any form of the word 'conclusion' in your conclusion paragraph) that I just want to be with my kids. It looks like my decision is spelled out all over this page. This is obviously going to be another decision I make with my heart and not my head. Wow, I do feel better.

Thanks, by the way, to the two of you who finished reading my rambling thoughts!!!