Well, the bandage was finally ripped off yesterday as my (big) baby girl went off to school. She's my first to flutter her wings beyond my nest, and I'm glad she finally started kindergarten.
I say finally because it's been on my mind since the beginning of... well, her I guess. When I was pregnant, like many moms I'm sure, I imagined her life. I pictured her in my arms, sleeping away. I thought about the first time she'd say mama. And you can bet your bottom dollar I thought about the day she would go off to the big, bad world of kindergarten. But back then, when I looked ahead at the time (almost six years exactly), it seemed that it would take forever to get here. After all, I was concentrating on the events that would be taking place in the immediate future (her first smile).... not things (like kindergarten) that wouldn't happen for a very, very long time! HAHAHA! I'm laughing at that thought, now!
Isn't it funny that when you look ahead in time, you can't believe that it'll ever pass faster than snail speed. But when you look back on time, it's gone in a blink of the eye? Well, I learned my lesson--
I'm not blinking ever, ever again! At least when it comes to my babies. Because it really just isn't possible that she's gone at school all day now. My mind just refuses to believe what my eyes see.
Well, when the morning came she was all ready to go in her new dress, new necklace and new hair flowers. The day before, a sweet friend offered to watch my other girls so that I could spend a little date with my kindergartner girl the day before she started school. And of course that's when all the new clothing items were purchased (we also grabbed lunch and Fro Yo--great memories).
We all watched and waited for the big yellow bus to come roaring down the road. And when it did I teared up. I didn't think I would, honestly. I thought it would all go so fast that I would be too wrapped up in the moment to let a little thing like emotions get to me. But oh, was I wrong. As soon as that bus pulled away I had a thought hit me that made me sob--like ugly, red face, squinty eyes, can't catch your breath, squeaky voiced sob, folks.
(Even though they didn't wait at the exact bus stop, they still sat on our porch and watched as our girl got on the bus)
As that bus headed towards the school, I saw everything I had worked so hard for, poured all of my love, devotion, time, money, blood. sweat, tears, heart and soul into for six years... simply pull away. It's like I was sending her packing into the unknown and begging the universe to be good to her. To treat her like she deserves to be treated. Trusting everybody else with your heart is a mighty big step in this mothering journey. And that's about the time my face turned squinty, wet, and hot.
To help the mother-heart understand what my head already knew, I drove to school to see her in her classroom. I just needed to see her there, to know that it was real, so that I could move on. And it was real. She was there. In fact, the little stinker beat me-- as you can see she was already sitting in her seat reading books by the time I arrived.
Bless her heart, she indulged me. She posed and acted just as she would have had it been any other time I wanted to take her picture. Isn't she adorable? She just looked so grown up to me sitting there like that. She knew exactly what to do. How to do it. How to behave. She put things where they belonged. She did everything perfectly. Again, my head knew she would, but my heart has it's own eyes it needs to see with. Even in the day or two leading up to kindergarten, I kept asking her if I taught her everything she needed to know. I checked her knowledge by quizzing her in topics ranging from what to do when a stranger approaches, to helping her spell her last name. I knew she knew it all, but I just freaked out at that last moment that I hadn't done everything I should have done. Or that maybe I didn't do it right. But as I hugged her one last time and left her sitting at her desk, I walked out of that classroom knowing that I'll never stop loving her--but I'll have to change the way in which I show her love. She needs me to be a mom of a kindergartner, and not a mom of a two year old. And so I will do as I should.
Because when it comes down to it, she's just not that little baby who needs me to hold a bottle for her anymore. She knows how to be respectful, kind, helpful and careful. She knows her address, phone numbers, and how to spell her name. She even knows things I never taught her (watch out Mathletes 2020-2024)--which just continues to amaze me. And I'll show her just how much I care by doing things that help her continue to grow.
Things like getting her a cold drink of water when she comes home all sweaty from a hot bus ride! Things like listening to her tell me how awesome the first day of school was. And of course, I'll be sneaking in hugs and kisses for the rest of her life--whether she likes it or not!
