I think if any of us had a clue, we'd probably freak out and convince ourselves that having children was completely a terrible, horrible idea. And that would kinda go against the whole procreation thing mother nature instills in us, right?
I've never been a full-time nanny, but I can only assume that is the only job that may actually prepare you well enough for parenthood. I bet these nannies get thrown up on, awakened in the middle of the night, function on little sleep, drive kids around town, cook meals, clean up meals, pick out clothes before bath time, help brush teeth and tuck in the sweeties, just to name a few.
For the rest of us who never nannied (you're right, that's probably not a real word) a day in our life, we remain clueless. Well, listen up because I'm about to demystify the whole parenting thing. Here is a list of several things you can do in order to prepare yourself for parenthood. And please keep in mind, these are only the things that are off the top of my head. There are many other tasks you could do to ease the transition from childless to childfull (I don't know, that word just seemed right, and I use word here loosely).
~ Start throwing things around your house so that they land scattered about--like there's no rhyme or reason why a particular item is in a particular spot. Leave objects is random spots throughout house for days on end.
~Spend a good portion of your income on food. Prepare that food in yummy, deliciously creative ways. Serve several plates worth of yummy food you slaved over. Take two bites from each plate. Toss the remaining food in the trash.
~Make a new tradition for Friday night--skip happy hour at the bar. Instead, stay home and turn on Dora. For background noise, have a recording of a screaming baby and a few toddlers/preschoolers talking noisily.
~Stop vacationing NOW! Or better yet, get in any vacation while you still can. Even though you may still be able to travel when baby arrives, it'll be completely different. I suggest that after you dine on your noon meal, you head back to your room and sit around quietly, for several hours. This will give you an idea of what nap time on the road is like--well, sorta!
~Get rid of all clocks in your house-- in fact, don't look at anything that will tell you what time it is; just use the sky as your time guide. When you bring a newborn home, you will completely lose track of time because you are up every couple hours--that is when you're actually getting sleep.
~Start pushing a stroller around the mall, your neighborhood, or anywhere you choose to walk. There will probably be stares, but that's typical!
~When you reintroduce clocks into your life, make sure you set the alarm to wake you at least 2 times at night. Not all kiddos wake 2 times each night, but when you average the sleepers with the constant wakers, I think 2 times seems appropriate.
~Just buy that darn minivan. Most of you will end up with one anyway. Yep, I know they're not cool, but neither is cramming your family into a tiny car--that gets real annoying!
~ Ummm... there are plenty of ways I could tell you to get ready for being pooped, peed, thrown-up and spit up on... but I'm going to let your imaginations figure out how to simulate that one!
~ Next time you go out to eat, visit the restroom several times--as if your bladder were the size of a pea.
~ Have lots of food fights and make sure the food lands on your clothes. Get the stains rubbed in well and let them sit in your hamper for several days. Then curse the bloody, stubborn food stain that's set on your clothes all week while you were busy with all the other chores!
~Spend quality time at a number of parks, just sitting on a bench watching kids play. Hopefully, nobody will turn you in for loitering or creeping out little ones (or their parents). Make sure you do this even when its 96 or 56 degrees out.
~Spend a good portion of your income on food. Prepare that food in yummy, deliciously creative ways. Serve several plates worth of yummy food you slaved over. Take two bites from each plate. Toss the remaining food in the trash.
~Make a new tradition for Friday night--skip happy hour at the bar. Instead, stay home and turn on Dora. For background noise, have a recording of a screaming baby and a few toddlers/preschoolers talking noisily.
~Stop vacationing NOW! Or better yet, get in any vacation while you still can. Even though you may still be able to travel when baby arrives, it'll be completely different. I suggest that after you dine on your noon meal, you head back to your room and sit around quietly, for several hours. This will give you an idea of what nap time on the road is like--well, sorta!
~Get rid of all clocks in your house-- in fact, don't look at anything that will tell you what time it is; just use the sky as your time guide. When you bring a newborn home, you will completely lose track of time because you are up every couple hours--that is when you're actually getting sleep.
~Start pushing a stroller around the mall, your neighborhood, or anywhere you choose to walk. There will probably be stares, but that's typical!
~When you reintroduce clocks into your life, make sure you set the alarm to wake you at least 2 times at night. Not all kiddos wake 2 times each night, but when you average the sleepers with the constant wakers, I think 2 times seems appropriate.
~Just buy that darn minivan. Most of you will end up with one anyway. Yep, I know they're not cool, but neither is cramming your family into a tiny car--that gets real annoying!
~ Ummm... there are plenty of ways I could tell you to get ready for being pooped, peed, thrown-up and spit up on... but I'm going to let your imaginations figure out how to simulate that one!
~ Next time you go out to eat, visit the restroom several times--as if your bladder were the size of a pea.
~ Have lots of food fights and make sure the food lands on your clothes. Get the stains rubbed in well and let them sit in your hamper for several days. Then curse the bloody, stubborn food stain that's set on your clothes all week while you were busy with all the other chores!
~Spend quality time at a number of parks, just sitting on a bench watching kids play. Hopefully, nobody will turn you in for loitering or creeping out little ones (or their parents). Make sure you do this even when its 96 or 56 degrees out.
That should cover several, though not all, areas of child-rearing. Of course there are many more things to look forward to with delight when you bring a little baby home and raise him or her, but those are all things we ALL think about.
Most of us try to imagine our baby's first words, first steps, first school day, graduation and possibly even their wedding day. But who tries to imagine the ins and outs of everyday life--the logistics, if you will?
I know I never sat around with my pregnant, swollen feet propped up wondering about all the real stuff taking place in homes where children live. And even if I would have tried to wrap my brain around it, I don't know how accurate it would be. I probably would have exaggerated any truth and made it worse than it would ever be. I can only assume this to be true!
And I'll end on and even more positive note...
all the things you do dream about whilst resting those sore, swollen feet---
things like his first smile, hearing her say 'mama' or 'dada' or 'I love you,' his eyes meeting yours for the first time, her first day of school--
those are the things you really remember. Those are the milestones that make a mark on your heart and make the rest of real life worth every moment.
1 comment:
This is too funny. My neighbor told me that raising a young one is kind of like being married....the food fights, the house never being clean, vacations around someone else's agenda, etc... I guess she was right, except Murad won't fit in a stroller!
Post a Comment