Finding My Inner Debbie Downer

Warning: The following post is intended for mature audiences only-- even if it wasn't written by a mature mama.

Believe it or not, I log onto Blogger just about everyday. Most of the time I catch up on other blogs- totally ignoring the fact that I haven't posted in quite a while.

We have been oh so busy. I have been oh so tired. The kids have been oh so crazy.

July and August brought on a whirlwind of emotions and that alone can tire a gal out. Not to mention that on top of my daily routine of cleaning floors, planning meals, brushing the dog, folding laundry, feeding kids, changing diapers, and tripping over toys; I've also been breaking up fights, listening to scream after scream after scream, massaging my own neck, rubbing my temples, pleading with God to make me strong enough to get through the next minute without raising my voice, and trying to cope and get through the baby/toddler/preschool hood years without any more gray hair.

But I'm tired of just trying to get through. I'm a life is short, don't take a minute for granted kind of gal and I want to be the best mama I can be; right now I feel as if I'm falling short of my expectation and my girls' expectations. I know this happens to nearly every mom, but I just feel the need to vomit it all here in this post.

My life used to be so unstructured and carefree. I took each day as it came and rarely planned a thing. A few years ago I was more than happy to trade it in for a life full of giggles, hugs, kisses, hair-braiding, hand-holding, breast-feeding, and the sweet words, "I love you, mama." I even knew there would be several late nights/early morning--depending on how you look at it- throw-up sessions, sibling rivalry, potty-training, errand-running, time-outs and temper tantrums. But right now I just feel like this season of life is something I never could have imagined.

I have been blessed with four amazing daughters who have taught me more than I ever could have imagined. Each time I've had a baby, I pretty much already knew, though not necessarily decided, that I really wanted another. I mean, they are simply beautiful, perfect, innocent, gems of baby cuteness-- how could I resist?

I was even feeling this way shortly after M&M's birth-- even more so when the doctors told me that I should never have another pregnancy. Oh, there's nothing to make me want to do something so badly like somebody (who wears a white coat, nonetheless) telling me I can't-- I'm a rebel like that. HA.

Even so, once I found out that I was okay health-wise earlier this month, I still thought that maybe in the future another baby we'd have. And I guess I'm still teetering on that side of the fence. But really, who knows what the future holds?

What I never imagined in my wildest dream is what it would be like to have a young infant, a toddler in full-swing of the terrible two's, a very strong-willed child exiting the terrible two's soon, and a smarty pants who's about to turn four but thinks and acts more like a fourteen-year old. Oh, my heavens. It's really created a unique environment for us and I can't say I'm the biggest fan some of the time.

While I wouldn't trade the crazy moments where I'm breast-feeding M&M, shouting to Bug," I said LET GO OF YOUR SISTER'S HAIR," comforting Peach because she was another victim of Bug's acting out, all while listening to Brownie scream in seriously ear-piercing decibels over in time-out---ahem...

...I could use a serious sanity break from it all. I know there are other moms out there who have several young children at home-- how do you do it?

How do any of us do it? I don't care if you are a single mom, a working mom, a SAHM, a retired SAHM, a foster mom, any kind of mom-- how do you find a break to collect your thoughts. Decompress. Take a deep breath. Lower your blood pressure? Sometimes I wonder if all of the other moms out there, like me, think to themselves, Oh man, I hope that when she has kids one day she gets one just like her. You know you do!

I tend to learn as I go, but I guess I'm just too old to learn new tricks. I've tried deep-breathing.
Living minute-by-minute. Praying. Crying. Taking walks. Now I'm trying a tried and true friend, writing. I just feel stuck. That's the only way I can describe it-- just stuck. And yes, I've already considered changing my name to Debbie Downer.

You can judge me all you want, but frankly I won't care. My children's opinion is what I'm most concerned about. I don't want them to look back on their childhood with ill feelings.

I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here, but right now it feels like Pike's Peak to me. Lord knows I could never climb that darn mountain unless I took it one step at a time and climbed ever so slowly. I suppose that's how I can live the moments I'm sharing with my children now-- one step at a time. Even living the good and peaceful moments one step at a time or, minute by minute as I like to say, would help one to savor those precious moments.

I love my children for who they are. I cherish all of the moments I have with them, even the bad ones-- because those are still waaaaaaaaaayyy better than not having them at all.

School will start in two weeks as will MOPS. Life will find a new routine with different stresses and different forms of bliss. Three birthdays will come early this fall, followed by football games on t.v., Saturdays at the pumpkin farm, and lots of memories to be made around the dinner table and fireplace. And I know I'll look back on the past couple of months and wonder why I got my panties all in a twist about this little season of life.

Ah, C'est la vie!